The US Government is Asking if They Should Slap a Tariff on Chinese Bull Semen

Source – U.S. trade officials have invited you to comment on their latest list of proposed import tariffs covering 6,031 categories of items from China. They may get an earful, as the levies cover a motley array of niche products.

Bovine semen is targeted for the 10 percent tax along with dog leashes, bricks, caviar and caviar substitutes, frog legs (fresh, chilled or frozen), vacuum cleaners, more than 40 categories of tobacco products, hair from horses, pigs and humans and something called “vegetable hair.” …

The items are part of the $200 billion round of import taxes that broadened trade hostilities that began July 6 with a U.S. list targeting $34 billion in trade including flamethrowers, fetal bovine serum and blood. … The tariffs also target some of the most popular stir-fry ingredients from abalone and sea urchins to garlic, bamboo shoots, dried mushrooms, ginseng and water chestnuts.

Look, I don’t claim to know the finer points of international trade. I did take Economics in school, but all I remember is “Supply and Demand.” Which, since I went to Community College, meant I aced it since those three words were the entire final. But it seems to me this story explains Trump’s unique brand of economic populism perfectly.

Sure, the bow tie set on the financial networks will say tariffs are bad and free trade is good. But that’s because they’re insulated from the real world. They’re not going to be affected by China dumping it’s under-priced bull semen all over America’s face. Our bulls shouldn’t have to suffer not getting jerked off just because Chinese bulls are willing to do it for a fraction of the cost. How would these so-called bull jizz economic “experts” feel if their brother or sister was relying on bovine jizz to feed their families? Of course I’m talking about the professional bull masturbators, not just the enthusiasts. The people who work hard and expect an honest day’s pay for hand-dukking a farm animal and selling his cum. People with dirty hands but clean souls. What happens to this country if they’re put out of work and have to go on assistance, huh? Not to mention what will happen to the cows, who’ll be giving birth to a generation of underpaid bulls from overseas instead of producing USDA Choice all-American beef.

Uh uh. Not on my watch. If the Chinese want to play tough, I say we play tougher and shoot our calf batter right back at them in a bukkake of protectionism. Make American Cow Spooge Great Again.

P.S. I give zero shits about the rest of that stuff, unless there’s some mom-and-pop operations around here who can’t compete in the international caviar substitute, frozen frog legs and vegetable hair markets. But I kind of just assume we’ve got a ton of flamethrower craftsmen somewhere in the States who need our help. And those things are badass. I’d hate to think we let the whole U.S. flamethrower industry get replaced by shoddy, cheap, foreign-built flamethrowers in case I want one someday. Because when I’m clearing my entrenched enemy out of their bunkers, I want nothing but the very best. So vote YES on bull semen and flamethrower tariffs. For America.